I’m scared. I’m scared to write this. To put it out there. 4 years ago I couldn’t even talk about it, never dreamed of sharing it, yet here I am and I have to admit:
I’m still shaking.
Fear isn’t idle. Fear will transform. Grow. Shape-shift, if you will. I was terrified back then to face it, a true runner from the past. Now the fear creeps back in as I offer my life as an open book- I am free to receive criticism from others. Free to be judged. Publicly shamed. And the worst thing: (if you are a people-pleaser like me, you’ll understand), free to be disliked. What can project us past our fear? What can inspire us to follow the calling on our life, that inkling in our spirit that says there is more. What can get us to step out and be vulnerable, regardless of the outcome? How do we embrace who we are truly meant to be with audacity and boldness when we are still lugging around past wounds, guilt, shame, distrust? The baggage reminds us of who we were and announces confidently who we will never be.
I don’t have all the answers, just a story that I have desperately tried to forget for most of my life. If I am frank with you, I shouldn’t be here. I should be dead. At best I should be abandoned, addicted, and broken. But I’m not. Call it a reversal of destiny. A life saved by grace- but not just a life saved. It’s a life redeemed. Regained. It’s the life of a girl who made all the wrong choices, ended up in all the wrong places and somehow God still saw purpose and value. It’s a life given freedom. Freedom from living in shame, regret, guilt and self-inflicted condemnation.
And God put it in my heart before I ever felt worthy.
Can God use the broken? It only takes me skimming through the Bible to find the answer. Adam and Eve: broken. Abraham: broken. Moses: broken. David, Paul, Peter... all had brokenness in their stories, and these are the BIG names... there are so many more! The resonating stories we encounter is that God takes an imperfect people and uses them for the good of His Glory. So that those around them, who see the transformation, who hear the stories will know the power and the goodness of God.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us shake off everything that hinders and run with endurance the race set out before us.Hebrews 12:1
