I never had any intention of ever dealing with this part of my past. That was my plan. I had it all figured out. It didn’t really bother me anymore. Well…except when my husband would bring it up and ask me if I wanted to talk about it. I didn’t say I wanted to talk about this. We are not going there. Except when anyone said the word abortion. Don’t make eye contact. They can see right through you. Hypocrite. Except passing the billboards. Look away. Keep going. Why are all those babies always looking at me?! Nope. Hardly bothered me at all. As long as I don't think about it... think about them... and as long as no one ever finds out, I'm fine.
So what do we do with the parts of our stories that are seemingly "the worst of the worst?" There are mistakes you can talk about, and then there are ones that you can’t. If people knew, they would think-they would KNOW- you weren’t a good person. They’d look at you differently. Ignore you. Talked about you. Ridicule you behind your back. I hadn’t even dealt with my past myself, and the idea of giving someone the power to cast a judgment on me: no thanks. Don’t worry I will relay the message: I am a horrible person. I was guilt-ridden. Sewn into my soul was the condemning evidence: I chose this. There’s a clear right and wrong, and as I tried to enter into a Christian life style, I knew the opinion of the church. Opinions are strong. And voices are loud. Though the voice in my head seemed loudest:
I am: Dirty. Guilty. Unacceptable.
How does someone live in that? And what’s the truth? Who am I really? Am I worth as little as I feel I am when looking through the lenses of the past? Does it even matter who I am today? What does this whole “new in Christ” really mean? Does Jesus really forgive ALL SINS? And why do I feel like that applies to everyone else but me?
Romans 6:14 says For sin shall not be your master; because you are not under law, but under grace.
Grace. The love and mercy given to us by God because He desires us to have it, not necessarily because of anything we have done to earn it. (Wesleyan Theological Heritage). And in my opinion, one of the least understood gifts from God. Deep down we know it has significance, we name our children after it, we sing songs about it. But sometimes the most over-used words lose their potency in our lives. We hear it and hear it and hear it but we don’t seem it lived out. Stories of people in shame are prominent in and outside of the church. We encounter people not feeling lovable, trying to be good enough. Do we even truly know what GRACE looks like? Feels like? Tastes like? Those of us who are desperate and downtrodden search for this elusive “unicorn” of freedom… and we didn’t even know it was right before us the whole time. It's Jesus. It's because of Him that we have grace, and it is because of Him that sin shall not be our master: we will not be held under its power. We will not be subdued by it. Jesus died, DIED with all the sins of the world on him. ALL. THE. SINS. Past, present and future. Not just the acceptable ones. ALL. He took them, they were beaten into him, nailed into him, put upon his head, and they went to the grave with Him and when He was resurrected He left our sins in that death. Before YOU were born He had already given you grace. Before you could do anything to earn it- so you can’t do anything to earn it! It is only His to give. We are not to be held under the blanket of shame, regret, indifference, guilt- we are under the ALL ENCOMPASSING, FREEING power of grace. Yes, we are guilty, but we have a FULL PARDON.
Four years ago God began a healing process in me. It started with a simple whisper in my heart that I would share my story- unacceptable parts and all! I was in a dead sprint in the other direction. But God had a plan. A crazy God-sized plan. And it started with the light.
