"People may seek God as they want him to be, but no one seeks God as he reveals himself to be in the Bible." - Timothy Keller, Hidden Christmas
I read that at Christmas time. Didn't give me the warm-feels I was looking for, that's for sure. The book went on to state that we all have a degree of resistance in our heart for God. I wanted to totally dismiss this claim, throw the book away and continue on with the "fa la la la las" of a happy holiday season.
I wanted to outright reject this idea because I love God- I want to do what He wants me to do, I want to spend time with Him, whatever His will- I want to do it!
But do I really?
The thought then occurred to me that the will I often seek from Him for my life looks pretty good from my prospective. Lead me to people who need kindness- but people I feel comfortable with. Let me proclaim your name and your glory in my life- but mostly to those who are open to hear it. I will go through suffering for you, Jesus- as long as it isn't too bad and that it will be quickly resolved.
Recently I have been given the opportunity to hang out with people who openly and adamantly oppose my line of thinking. And you know what I realized? I don't wanna. I don't want to be in conflict or confrontation. I don't want to be around people who make me feel insignificant and insecure and who I can tell don't like me and certainly don't like the fact that I am a Christian.
I don't really want to do God's will. And there it was. The heart of my human condition. Rebellion. And seeing this emerge in my own life, one that I try so hard to align with His words and do what He says, makes me feel like I am failing!
In the Bible, when God lead the Israelite people out of Egypt, we all kind of know their hearts were a bit hot and cold. One minute they are rejoicing, the next they are complaining. Shortly after God had parted the Red Sea for them to escape Pharaoh and his army, they had been without water for three days and apparently had had enough. They grumbled to Moses, and Moses cried out to the Lord on their behalf. (We give the Israelites a hard time about not trusting God, but I can't imagine 3 days in the desert without water!). God remedied the situation, then it says:
Exodus 15:25: Then the Lord issued a ruling and instruction for them and put them to the test. He said, "If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you."
Ddi they abide? In the next chapter, more grumbling over meat. A few scriptures later, complaining over water again. And then, of course there is the whole golden calf situation not too long later... In light of all this, it can be easy to jump to the conclusion, "well they failed!" If this was God's test, give them a big ole "F". But, the word here for "test" isn't something that corresponds with pass/fail, but carries the idea of God wanting to know the condition of their heart. In fact, the word "know" used here is the Hebrew word "Yada," and shows up in other scriptures as to know one intimately. (See Genesis 4:1) For the Hebrew people, a test was an opportunity to show God what was in their heart, and also an opportunity to learn a new lesson from God, if the outcome of the test wasn't God's intended goal.
As I search my heart in areas that still lack the boldness and selflessness to put his will over my own comfort, I can rest in the fact that these aren't pass/fail chances. They are opportunities to take an honest look at my motivations and intentions, and see where I still need growth. To see what I still need to surrender to Him. In turn, this deepens my relationship with God, even through conviction! As I learn to yield my own desires and step out in faith, these moments turn into places I experience God, and He can yada my heart growing for His will.
